Bloggest Loser: Skinny Doesn't Mean Healthy

I am not a fit person. I hope to be one day and so I try. It's hard though, so some days are easier to try and succeed than others.

I grew up socially introverted. I was naturally very skinny. So skinny teachers asked if I had eating disorders and boys and girls made fun of me. I hated being so skinny. I had a high-metabolism and had issues with low blood sugar. I'd get sick if I went too long without eating, but I ate extremely poorly. I remember the 8th grade... every day for lunch I had a pink lemonaid and a snickers bar.

Then I got older and got into high school. I could stuff my face with giant cherry-limeaids and chili dogs and cheddar peppers. It didn't matter. I was skinny.

Then I got pregnant with my first daughter. I was very ill and couldn't eat. At 5'8" I dropped to 108 pounds during my first trimester. The doctor threatened to admit me to the hospital. I was too skinny.

Then, fate... oh how she has a sense of humor, Fate decided my time of being skinny was up. By the time my daughter was born, I weighed 170 pounds. I was putting on several pounds a week.

It didn't matter if I ate or didn't eat... on went the weight. The doctor then said I was gaining too much and to stop. How do you stop? I was soooo hungry. I was sooo hormonal. I soooo wanted pot roast at 2:00am.

Since that time, I've not been skinny again. I've slowly put on the weight. The problem was a combination of genetics, a poor diet, and a very unhealthy lifestyle. My mother is obese. She has fibromyalgia and diabetes. I was on the track to follow in her footsteps.

When my metabolism changed, my eating patterns didn't. I would eat donuts. I would eat fast food. I would eat whatever I wanted no matter what. I battled depression. I still do sometimes. I wouldn't go in and buy 5 hamburgers, I never ate too much at one sitting, but I was eating constantly. A bag of milano cookies here... 3 donuts there... a huge mocha there... etc.

My life sucked. I had two great kids... that I felt like I ignored. I hated looking at myself. My husband of 13 years and I were completely bored with each other.

And then something strange happened last year... I started to care. I started to care about myself. I didn't have to be embarrased about myself... if I worked. I could have a better relationship with my kids... if I tried. I could be happy... if I cared enough.

So here I am. I'm divorced, met someone who inspires me and helps me overcome my weaknesses. My older daughter hasn't quite gotten over the changes I've made, but I give her more attention and we have a more mature relationship. My younger daughter who has Asperger's, is actually thriving on the more organized and healthy lifestyle I follow.

I've lost over 10 pounds. I've put on muscle and slowly started changing my body shape. My pulse at rest is down by 10 to 15 points. I can actually climb a few flights of stairs without feeling like I'm going to die.It's hard though. It's not easy. I do not take a diet pill. I do not starve myself. I'm trying to increase exercise and eat healthily.There are no visits to McDonalds. There are no visits to Wendys. I do not eat fried chicken, fish or anything else if I can help it.

I eat Asparagus, fresh ginger, chicken, salmon and tuna. I make myself aware of foods with healthy fats like the omegas. But, I also treat myself. A very small serving of dark chocolate ice cream. Or a small piece of key lime pie.

I have always had a sweet tooth and living a life without sweets is just not appealing to me. So, I try. I try and I try and I try. Sometimes I fail. But I'm not going to beat myself up over it. That will only make things worse.

And that's all that I think each of us can really do. Try a little every day and then try some more... but realize, you may fail from time to time, and it's ok. It will only make you stronger, because if you care, then you can always try some more.

But know... skinny does not mean healthy. I will never be skinny again. By my own choice. But I will be healthy.

And that's how I've arrived at my current self today and decided to join in on the Bloggest Loser activity to try and keep myself focused with like-minded folks who also want to keep trying.